How entirely cool!!!

This is a link to my friend Shayla's blog...

http://sunshineandsprinkles.blogspot.com/2009/07/wordless-wednesday.html

This is her dad and brother and President Bush during a mountain bike ride! Whether you appreciated him as a President or not, you have to admit that it would be SO COOL to go mountain bike riding with a former PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!! At least I do!

And this was linked with her permission, so if you decide to share, please ask her first.

I'm so proud of my son!

I found another picture of Brian on the Company Journals!!! He is the third person in the first row! I can't hardly wait until he graduates!!!!

Semper Paratus!

Well... You have to take the good with the bad.

I was very excited to get a call from my son tonight, but before I could get too happy, he said, "Don't get too excited yet. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I've been reverted to Victor Company and I won't graduate until July 31st rather than July 24th." Well, that just let the air out of my balloon. I asked what happened and he said, "Well, they got me the first time for having dirty laundry in my rack and then (I'm assuming today) they found a damp towel in my rack so I got busted." I said, "Well, that's a tough break." He said, "But the good news is that I've got my assignment! I'm going to the USCGC Dallas in Charleston, SC!!" He was excited about that! I told him that I would change all our travel plans and we'd see him on the 31st. He said he thought he'd get to call me again next weekend!

I am disappointed, but it's just one of those life lessons that he has to learn and it's one of the hardest kind for him to learn! He's a slob! LOL! I admit it! I was hoping they would break him of it. Either they will, or he will stay in boot camp for a year! LOL!!!

On a brighter note, he is kicking butt in class!!! He said he was acing all the tests and he was one of nine that made 100 on the mid-term! So that makes me really proud!

I wish I didn't have to wait another week to see him, but he's learning the hard way what it means to follow orders and be precise!

Semper Paratus!

There is Joy in my Heart! <3

Yes, there is JOY in my heart!

Well, I've had my surgery. It's been a week today. I'm doing really good, I think. I did have a really, REALLY bad night last night, but I've been better today and I'm "mentally" better today. If you've ever had chronic pain, you know what I mean by being "mentally" better. Chronic pain just works on your mind. It makes you angry, sad, and everything is always so overwhelming. Today, I feel like things are gonna be OK again.

One thing that really helped was that my wonderful husband hired two women to come "deep clean" my house. Until I got hurt, my house was never this dirty. But when you get to where you can't even sweep or vacuum the floor without stopping to rest to let the pain ease, you just do what you can do to keep things decent and let the rest go. You have to. But it bothered me so much to have my house "not clean" the way I wanted it clean. Today, they cleaned and it has just lifted my spirits tremendously!!! So, thank you baby! He also bought me some sunflowers to go with my calla lilies that I grew in my flower garden. He knows I love sunflowers. He loves me! And I just ADORE him!!! He's the best.

Another reason my spirits are lifted is that the kids bought me a baby puppy for my birthday. She is the sweetest thing. Her name is Sassy Bella and she is a maltipoo! She has the sweetest nature. I love her already. She will be so much company to me. I get so lonely sitting here night after night with no one to talk to. I'm not used to that. I'm used to having to be somewhere with the kids or having my husband here with me. Now that he is in the Coast Guard and she is getting ready to leave for college (and is never here) and my husband started working nights, I was just lost. I was just so lonely. But Bella is helping this a lot!

I started back working today too! Granted, I am working from home, but I AM WORKING and USING MY BRAIN! =} I'm going to work from home at least this week and next week and maybe the next. I'm not going to jeopardize my surgery... THIS SURGERY HAS TO BE SUCCESSFUL!!!

Oh! I've also got all our travel plans made for Brian's graduation on July 24th - flights, rental car, hotel, EVERYTHING!!! THIS makes me SMILE!!! Semper Paratus!

Tomorrow's a big day...

Well, tomorrow is a very big day for me. Actually, TODAY is a very big day for me since I just noticed that it's 12:58...

Today, I have my second cervical spine surgery. They are going to remove the disc right below the first one they removed a couple of years ago. It appeared to us then that both discs should have been removed since both were damaged, but the neurosurgeon didn't think that was best. Well, the neurosurgeon was wrong as it turns out. My NEW neurosurgeon is now going to have to remove some of the old work and then repair all of it again.

It scares me. I have irrational (and maybe they're not irrational) fears of being paralyzed. I don't know WHY I'm more afraid this time, but I am. My kids aren't here and that scares me.

If you read this today, June 22, say a little prayer for me. This surgery REALLY, REALLY needs to go well. I need this pain to stop. I need to be healthy and happy and to be the BEST wife and mother and daughter and friend and coworker and whatever that I can be! I need to be ME!

I love my family very, very much and I cherish every day that I have with them. But, I hope that after this surgery, we will have MANY, MANY more wonderfully glorious days ahead that are days full of laughter and joy and not pain.

Got my first letter!!!!

Hallelujah!!! Got my first letter from Bubba and he's doing GREAT!!! More later... Gotta cook supper... Baby girl is STARVING and my hubby will be here for supper so YAY!!!!!! =} Thank you, Lord!!!!!

When too much is just TOO MUCH...

It seems like I am just living my life from one milestone or deadline until the next. I continue to say, “If I can just get past…” Fill in the blank on the event! First it was Project Graduation fundraising… then it was Kristen’s high school graduation… then it was Project Graduation… then it was getting Brian shipped off to boot camp… then it was getting Kristen to Chattanooga for Freshman Orientation… then it was dealing with and getting through a death in the family...

NOW, it’s my second c-spine surgery. I found out yesterday that I pretty much have to have a second surgery to fix the other disc that’s causing me so much pain. My other neurosurgeon knew it was “damaged” when he fixed the first one, but he wouldn’t “fix” both of them because he said he couldn’t in good conscience do preventative maintenance on my spine. The reason I wanted both done at the same time is because when you remove/replace a disc and fuse the bone, it puts extra pressure on the discs above and below it. Well, my argument was if you know the disc is already “damaged” and you know there’s going to be extra pressure put on it, wouldn’t it make more sense to just fix them both? Actually, my current neurosurgeon agrees with me, but what was done is done. This one is going to be more complicated and a lot more risky. They will have to deal with obvious scar tissue and they will have to remove the plate that’s in there now in order to fix the current problem. I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie. But I live in so much constant pain that I guess I just really don’t have a lot to lose. My doctor won’t guarantee me the pain will go away, but we can pray (so please do!!). Sometimes the pain does go away, and sometimes it doesn’t. My real hope is that it will because at first after my first surgery, I had a lot of pain relief. It didn’t ALL go away (because I have scoliosis), but it was tremendously better! I got through the day taking Advil or Aleve rather than prescription pain killers and sometimes NOTHING AT ALL!! If I can get back to THAT point, maybe I will be ME again!!! The OLD ME!!!! The ME that had energy to burn and was active and thin! =}

Before I do all this though, I’ve got a lot to get done… I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) to rebuild a communications server and Sunday to do a network audit and revise security scripts. I’ve got a TON of things to do before next Monday, but after I get past the surgery…

To be continued… =}

Oh! And I found my son in this picture that was on the USCG Blog!!! If you blow up the picture, he's in the row closest to the wall, almost right under the clock. He's behind the really tall guy. Brian has his head tilted - sort of like he's looking over the other guy's shoulder.

Semper Paratus!

Semper Paratus

Today and tomorrow are going to be two of the hardest days of my life. I helped Brian pack up to leave for Nashville this morning. He's shipping out to boot camp tomorrow. He has joined the United States Coast Guard and I am just about as proud of him as I can be, but IT IS KILLING ME!!!

I'm VERY proud of him, but no matter how old he is, he is always gonna be my baby boy. He was my first, real, true love. I only thought I knew what love was until I had him. I told him tonight when I left Nashville that I already missed him - and I do! I missed him when he went to college, but at least I talked to him every day and could go see him whenever I wanted to. I think THAT'S what's KILLING me. It's the fact that I know that I can't even talk to him when I miss him... I can't even hear his voice... I can't jump in the car to go take care of him if he gets sick... There have been very few days since he's been alive that I haven't talked to him... I will get through this. I will do it for him. He's making a sacrifice, so I will just suck it up!

I go through so many gamuts of emotions: pride, sorrow, depression, joy, relief, pain... Sometimes, I'm fine. Sometimes, I'm not. Tonight after I got home, I went into his room. He left a pair of shorts lying in his chair... His laptop is on his bed right where he left it... I just LOST it! I couldn't stop crying until I called him. But after tomorrow, I won't be able to do that. I want him to be successful. I want him to go above and beyond. I KNOW this is going to be HARD, but I know he will be a better man for it. I've got some really good friends - especially Lee Ann - who have gone through this and talking to them helps me deal with it. I call her and she cries with me. And trust me, if you haven't gone through it, you don't understand. I tried to be there for her when her son joined the Marines, but I HAD NO IDEA! She knows and she's been a lifeline for me.

God, please protect my baby boy. Make him strong and help him to become the man that I know he can be. I love that boy.

Semper Paratus - Always Ready

Emotional Times...

This is a very special time of year for me. My baby girl just turned 18 on April 15th and my wonderful husband and I will celebrate our 2nd Anniversary on the 20th. My heart is filled with all sorts of emotions.

I am thrilled that my daughter has grown into such a beautiful, wonderful, self-assured young woman, but I am sad that my baby is growing up and will soon fly away from the nest. It scares me to let her spread her wings because I don't want her to get hurt. I know she will stumble and fall and I know I have to let her because it is usually through our mistakes that we learn the most valuable lessons. That is unfortunate, but true.

According to her, I am her hero. I have been her protector, her champion, her drill sergeant, her task master, her cheerleader, her coach, her confidant, her safe place for 18 years. And have no doubt, I will always be available to play those roles when she allows it – and even sometimes when she doesn’t want me too. The hard part will be figuring out when I need to let her “do it myself, Mommy” or when to butt in even when she thinks she doesn’t need or want me to do so.

I’m sure it won’t be as difficult as I fear, because she is truly remarkable. In fact, SHE is MY hero.

I am also especially emotional because I have been married to the most wonderful man for almost two years now. He is the sweetest, kindest, most genuine man I have ever met. I am thankful every day that he is in my life. I wish circumstances weren’t the way they are so that we could go away – even if only for a long weekend. He can’t get off work at his new job and I am having one of my bigger episodes with my neck/spine/back. I’ve had to increase my pain pills, muscle relaxers and am once again on steroids. I’m trying to hold off on surgery until next year. Maybe then I can once again be “me” and I will be able to be to wife to him that he deserves – because he truly deserves the very best.

Why Isn't Family As Important To Us As It Used to Be?

I talked to one of my cousins on FaceBook today and it made me sad. You see, he and I used to be so very close. We are actually third cousins, but our extended family was so close that I never really thought about us only being "third cousins". He was an only child. I was an only child. We each had a first cousin (they were also only children) who was like a sister to us. It was 'Mitzi and Connie' and 'Tim and Lisa'. Yin and Yang. Frick and Frack. You just about didn't see one without the other.

Connie and I used to visit Tim and Lisa's grandmother's house a lot in the summers. Our grandmother and their grandmother were sisters and they were very close. My grandmother had a very hard life and her sisters and brothers were a huge support to her and her family - part of the reason we were all so close. Anyway, we used to spend so much time together and have so much fun. Now, I don't even know where Lisa lives. I know Tim is in Jackson (where I work), but I haven't seen him in years.

We come from a very big family. We used to get together almost every single year on July 4th in Shiloh and again at Christmas. Our Christmas dinners were HUGE!!! Everybody came. The kids... the kids' kids... Everybody. I knew all my relatives. Now, my kids barely know any of my family. That makes me so sad. These people that I was so close to and were such a big part of my life are total strangers to my children. How did this happen?!?!?

How did this happen? I'll tell you. When my grandmother's generation began to pass, the reunions became farther and farther apart and fewer and fewer came. The kids started growing up and scattering across the country. Everybody got so busy with their own lives. But the result is, we have lost our family. Our grandparents held our families together and we have failed to continue this and as a result, we have failed them.

You've got to wonder how this will affect my children's lives and future generations. How can you have family pride or pass down traditions if you don't even know where you came from.

I will say that since FaceBook and MySpace have wormed their way into my existence, I have made contact with so many family members and I "talk" to them now more and more. I feel closer to them. Some of them live in other states and I haven't seen them in years, but I know that they went to their daughter's soccer game last week or that their daughter made a CD of her own original songs or they are babysitting another’s child… Even though I’m not where they are, I feel connected to them because of these little, often mundane, sentences shared on a website. Granted, it’s not a family reunion, but it makes me feel closer to them than I did a year ago.

I miss my family. I miss the closeness of family. Maybe because I am an only child I feel this more strongly than some, but I miss my big, close, loving family.

Why?

Why am I so unhappy? And why do I feel like I have to hide the fact that I am so unhappy? I feel like everyone wants/needs/expects so much of me and I am just failing so badly. Don't get me wrong. This is not a statement made in self pity. It is a very real statement. I USED TO BE SUPER GIRL! That was what one of the doctors at work used to call me - Super Girl! Why? Because I could do ANYTHING! I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING! I faced every challenge HEAD ON!

Super Girl met her kryptonite... It came from a really big wave at Kitty Hawk Beach in North Carolina... It’s called herniated discs… Spinal cord/vertebrae injuries will make you or break you... I am broken... ={

I don't feel like I am being a good wife. I don't feel like I am doing everything I need to be doing in order to be a good mother. I am reminded (it seems like on a daily basis) that I need to do something or that I haven't done something or asked when I am going to do something or reminded that I used to be a certain way or that I used to do something a certain way. I just absolutely can't figure out how to keep up. MY BODY HURTS!!!!! I mean it REALLY, REALLY hurts and I think that because I hurt so much so often that everyone gets sick of it (as do I) and just thinks it's something that I could really control IF I WANTED TO. How do you deal with nerve damage/pain? How do you mentally cope when the very first thought you have when you wake up in the morning is, “Oh God, that hurts.”

Am I the person that I used to be a few years ago? Heck no! Do you think that I don’t miss that person? DON’T YOU THINK I MISS HER? Does anyone really believe that I want to be the way that I am? Do you really think that I use pain as an excuse not to do something or to enjoy life? DO YOU KNOW ME?!?!? When have I ever not been happy-go-lucky and the first one to say, “Yeah! Let’s go!” My daddy used to say that my middle name was “GO”. "Mitzi Go" is what he always called me!

Why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel like I have to justify and explain? Why do I feel like I can’t please ANYBODY? Why do I freaking care?!?!?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! I hate being so negative. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!

I have a really nice boat that used to be on the river almost every weekend... It hasn't left the shop in almost two years...

WHAT has happened to me?!?!? Has the pain completely redefined me?

WHO am I? Can I ever be the old "me" again?