Why?

Why am I so unhappy? And why do I feel like I have to hide the fact that I am so unhappy? I feel like everyone wants/needs/expects so much of me and I am just failing so badly. Don't get me wrong. This is not a statement made in self pity. It is a very real statement. I USED TO BE SUPER GIRL! That was what one of the doctors at work used to call me - Super Girl! Why? Because I could do ANYTHING! I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING! I faced every challenge HEAD ON!

Super Girl met her kryptonite... It came from a really big wave at Kitty Hawk Beach in North Carolina... It’s called herniated discs… Spinal cord/vertebrae injuries will make you or break you... I am broken... ={

I don't feel like I am being a good wife. I don't feel like I am doing everything I need to be doing in order to be a good mother. I am reminded (it seems like on a daily basis) that I need to do something or that I haven't done something or asked when I am going to do something or reminded that I used to be a certain way or that I used to do something a certain way. I just absolutely can't figure out how to keep up. MY BODY HURTS!!!!! I mean it REALLY, REALLY hurts and I think that because I hurt so much so often that everyone gets sick of it (as do I) and just thinks it's something that I could really control IF I WANTED TO. How do you deal with nerve damage/pain? How do you mentally cope when the very first thought you have when you wake up in the morning is, “Oh God, that hurts.”

Am I the person that I used to be a few years ago? Heck no! Do you think that I don’t miss that person? DON’T YOU THINK I MISS HER? Does anyone really believe that I want to be the way that I am? Do you really think that I use pain as an excuse not to do something or to enjoy life? DO YOU KNOW ME?!?!? When have I ever not been happy-go-lucky and the first one to say, “Yeah! Let’s go!” My daddy used to say that my middle name was “GO”. "Mitzi Go" is what he always called me!

Why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel like I have to justify and explain? Why do I feel like I can’t please ANYBODY? Why do I freaking care?!?!?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! I hate being so negative. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!

I have a really nice boat that used to be on the river almost every weekend... It hasn't left the shop in almost two years...

WHAT has happened to me?!?!? Has the pain completely redefined me?

WHO am I? Can I ever be the old "me" again?