There is Joy in my Heart! <3

Yes, there is JOY in my heart!

Well, I've had my surgery. It's been a week today. I'm doing really good, I think. I did have a really, REALLY bad night last night, but I've been better today and I'm "mentally" better today. If you've ever had chronic pain, you know what I mean by being "mentally" better. Chronic pain just works on your mind. It makes you angry, sad, and everything is always so overwhelming. Today, I feel like things are gonna be OK again.

One thing that really helped was that my wonderful husband hired two women to come "deep clean" my house. Until I got hurt, my house was never this dirty. But when you get to where you can't even sweep or vacuum the floor without stopping to rest to let the pain ease, you just do what you can do to keep things decent and let the rest go. You have to. But it bothered me so much to have my house "not clean" the way I wanted it clean. Today, they cleaned and it has just lifted my spirits tremendously!!! So, thank you baby! He also bought me some sunflowers to go with my calla lilies that I grew in my flower garden. He knows I love sunflowers. He loves me! And I just ADORE him!!! He's the best.

Another reason my spirits are lifted is that the kids bought me a baby puppy for my birthday. She is the sweetest thing. Her name is Sassy Bella and she is a maltipoo! She has the sweetest nature. I love her already. She will be so much company to me. I get so lonely sitting here night after night with no one to talk to. I'm not used to that. I'm used to having to be somewhere with the kids or having my husband here with me. Now that he is in the Coast Guard and she is getting ready to leave for college (and is never here) and my husband started working nights, I was just lost. I was just so lonely. But Bella is helping this a lot!

I started back working today too! Granted, I am working from home, but I AM WORKING and USING MY BRAIN! =} I'm going to work from home at least this week and next week and maybe the next. I'm not going to jeopardize my surgery... THIS SURGERY HAS TO BE SUCCESSFUL!!!

Oh! I've also got all our travel plans made for Brian's graduation on July 24th - flights, rental car, hotel, EVERYTHING!!! THIS makes me SMILE!!! Semper Paratus!

Tomorrow's a big day...

Well, tomorrow is a very big day for me. Actually, TODAY is a very big day for me since I just noticed that it's 12:58...

Today, I have my second cervical spine surgery. They are going to remove the disc right below the first one they removed a couple of years ago. It appeared to us then that both discs should have been removed since both were damaged, but the neurosurgeon didn't think that was best. Well, the neurosurgeon was wrong as it turns out. My NEW neurosurgeon is now going to have to remove some of the old work and then repair all of it again.

It scares me. I have irrational (and maybe they're not irrational) fears of being paralyzed. I don't know WHY I'm more afraid this time, but I am. My kids aren't here and that scares me.

If you read this today, June 22, say a little prayer for me. This surgery REALLY, REALLY needs to go well. I need this pain to stop. I need to be healthy and happy and to be the BEST wife and mother and daughter and friend and coworker and whatever that I can be! I need to be ME!

I love my family very, very much and I cherish every day that I have with them. But, I hope that after this surgery, we will have MANY, MANY more wonderfully glorious days ahead that are days full of laughter and joy and not pain.

Got my first letter!!!!

Hallelujah!!! Got my first letter from Bubba and he's doing GREAT!!! More later... Gotta cook supper... Baby girl is STARVING and my hubby will be here for supper so YAY!!!!!! =} Thank you, Lord!!!!!

When too much is just TOO MUCH...

It seems like I am just living my life from one milestone or deadline until the next. I continue to say, “If I can just get past…” Fill in the blank on the event! First it was Project Graduation fundraising… then it was Kristen’s high school graduation… then it was Project Graduation… then it was getting Brian shipped off to boot camp… then it was getting Kristen to Chattanooga for Freshman Orientation… then it was dealing with and getting through a death in the family...

NOW, it’s my second c-spine surgery. I found out yesterday that I pretty much have to have a second surgery to fix the other disc that’s causing me so much pain. My other neurosurgeon knew it was “damaged” when he fixed the first one, but he wouldn’t “fix” both of them because he said he couldn’t in good conscience do preventative maintenance on my spine. The reason I wanted both done at the same time is because when you remove/replace a disc and fuse the bone, it puts extra pressure on the discs above and below it. Well, my argument was if you know the disc is already “damaged” and you know there’s going to be extra pressure put on it, wouldn’t it make more sense to just fix them both? Actually, my current neurosurgeon agrees with me, but what was done is done. This one is going to be more complicated and a lot more risky. They will have to deal with obvious scar tissue and they will have to remove the plate that’s in there now in order to fix the current problem. I’m scared. I’m not gonna lie. But I live in so much constant pain that I guess I just really don’t have a lot to lose. My doctor won’t guarantee me the pain will go away, but we can pray (so please do!!). Sometimes the pain does go away, and sometimes it doesn’t. My real hope is that it will because at first after my first surgery, I had a lot of pain relief. It didn’t ALL go away (because I have scoliosis), but it was tremendously better! I got through the day taking Advil or Aleve rather than prescription pain killers and sometimes NOTHING AT ALL!! If I can get back to THAT point, maybe I will be ME again!!! The OLD ME!!!! The ME that had energy to burn and was active and thin! =}

Before I do all this though, I’ve got a lot to get done… I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) to rebuild a communications server and Sunday to do a network audit and revise security scripts. I’ve got a TON of things to do before next Monday, but after I get past the surgery…

To be continued… =}

Oh! And I found my son in this picture that was on the USCG Blog!!! If you blow up the picture, he's in the row closest to the wall, almost right under the clock. He's behind the really tall guy. Brian has his head tilted - sort of like he's looking over the other guy's shoulder.

Semper Paratus!

Semper Paratus

Today and tomorrow are going to be two of the hardest days of my life. I helped Brian pack up to leave for Nashville this morning. He's shipping out to boot camp tomorrow. He has joined the United States Coast Guard and I am just about as proud of him as I can be, but IT IS KILLING ME!!!

I'm VERY proud of him, but no matter how old he is, he is always gonna be my baby boy. He was my first, real, true love. I only thought I knew what love was until I had him. I told him tonight when I left Nashville that I already missed him - and I do! I missed him when he went to college, but at least I talked to him every day and could go see him whenever I wanted to. I think THAT'S what's KILLING me. It's the fact that I know that I can't even talk to him when I miss him... I can't even hear his voice... I can't jump in the car to go take care of him if he gets sick... There have been very few days since he's been alive that I haven't talked to him... I will get through this. I will do it for him. He's making a sacrifice, so I will just suck it up!

I go through so many gamuts of emotions: pride, sorrow, depression, joy, relief, pain... Sometimes, I'm fine. Sometimes, I'm not. Tonight after I got home, I went into his room. He left a pair of shorts lying in his chair... His laptop is on his bed right where he left it... I just LOST it! I couldn't stop crying until I called him. But after tomorrow, I won't be able to do that. I want him to be successful. I want him to go above and beyond. I KNOW this is going to be HARD, but I know he will be a better man for it. I've got some really good friends - especially Lee Ann - who have gone through this and talking to them helps me deal with it. I call her and she cries with me. And trust me, if you haven't gone through it, you don't understand. I tried to be there for her when her son joined the Marines, but I HAD NO IDEA! She knows and she's been a lifeline for me.

God, please protect my baby boy. Make him strong and help him to become the man that I know he can be. I love that boy.

Semper Paratus - Always Ready