Why Isn't Family As Important To Us As It Used to Be?

I talked to one of my cousins on FaceBook today and it made me sad. You see, he and I used to be so very close. We are actually third cousins, but our extended family was so close that I never really thought about us only being "third cousins". He was an only child. I was an only child. We each had a first cousin (they were also only children) who was like a sister to us. It was 'Mitzi and Connie' and 'Tim and Lisa'. Yin and Yang. Frick and Frack. You just about didn't see one without the other.

Connie and I used to visit Tim and Lisa's grandmother's house a lot in the summers. Our grandmother and their grandmother were sisters and they were very close. My grandmother had a very hard life and her sisters and brothers were a huge support to her and her family - part of the reason we were all so close. Anyway, we used to spend so much time together and have so much fun. Now, I don't even know where Lisa lives. I know Tim is in Jackson (where I work), but I haven't seen him in years.

We come from a very big family. We used to get together almost every single year on July 4th in Shiloh and again at Christmas. Our Christmas dinners were HUGE!!! Everybody came. The kids... the kids' kids... Everybody. I knew all my relatives. Now, my kids barely know any of my family. That makes me so sad. These people that I was so close to and were such a big part of my life are total strangers to my children. How did this happen?!?!?

How did this happen? I'll tell you. When my grandmother's generation began to pass, the reunions became farther and farther apart and fewer and fewer came. The kids started growing up and scattering across the country. Everybody got so busy with their own lives. But the result is, we have lost our family. Our grandparents held our families together and we have failed to continue this and as a result, we have failed them.

You've got to wonder how this will affect my children's lives and future generations. How can you have family pride or pass down traditions if you don't even know where you came from.

I will say that since FaceBook and MySpace have wormed their way into my existence, I have made contact with so many family members and I "talk" to them now more and more. I feel closer to them. Some of them live in other states and I haven't seen them in years, but I know that they went to their daughter's soccer game last week or that their daughter made a CD of her own original songs or they are babysitting another’s child… Even though I’m not where they are, I feel connected to them because of these little, often mundane, sentences shared on a website. Granted, it’s not a family reunion, but it makes me feel closer to them than I did a year ago.

I miss my family. I miss the closeness of family. Maybe because I am an only child I feel this more strongly than some, but I miss my big, close, loving family.

Why?

Why am I so unhappy? And why do I feel like I have to hide the fact that I am so unhappy? I feel like everyone wants/needs/expects so much of me and I am just failing so badly. Don't get me wrong. This is not a statement made in self pity. It is a very real statement. I USED TO BE SUPER GIRL! That was what one of the doctors at work used to call me - Super Girl! Why? Because I could do ANYTHING! I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING! I faced every challenge HEAD ON!

Super Girl met her kryptonite... It came from a really big wave at Kitty Hawk Beach in North Carolina... It’s called herniated discs… Spinal cord/vertebrae injuries will make you or break you... I am broken... ={

I don't feel like I am being a good wife. I don't feel like I am doing everything I need to be doing in order to be a good mother. I am reminded (it seems like on a daily basis) that I need to do something or that I haven't done something or asked when I am going to do something or reminded that I used to be a certain way or that I used to do something a certain way. I just absolutely can't figure out how to keep up. MY BODY HURTS!!!!! I mean it REALLY, REALLY hurts and I think that because I hurt so much so often that everyone gets sick of it (as do I) and just thinks it's something that I could really control IF I WANTED TO. How do you deal with nerve damage/pain? How do you mentally cope when the very first thought you have when you wake up in the morning is, “Oh God, that hurts.”

Am I the person that I used to be a few years ago? Heck no! Do you think that I don’t miss that person? DON’T YOU THINK I MISS HER? Does anyone really believe that I want to be the way that I am? Do you really think that I use pain as an excuse not to do something or to enjoy life? DO YOU KNOW ME?!?!? When have I ever not been happy-go-lucky and the first one to say, “Yeah! Let’s go!” My daddy used to say that my middle name was “GO”. "Mitzi Go" is what he always called me!

Why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel like I have to justify and explain? Why do I feel like I can’t please ANYBODY? Why do I freaking care?!?!?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! I hate being so negative. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!

I have a really nice boat that used to be on the river almost every weekend... It hasn't left the shop in almost two years...

WHAT has happened to me?!?!? Has the pain completely redefined me?

WHO am I? Can I ever be the old "me" again?