My son...

It is now the day before my son's 20th birthday.

I haven't talked to him since Thursday when he left his sister's Soccer Banquet without seeing her get her awards or telling her goodbye... I didn't raise him that way...

She was (for the third straight year) chosen Defensive Player of the Year and she made the All District Team. I was so proud of her, but he put a damper on it... I hate it that I allow his actions to affect her celebrations. I love both of my children dearly, but he is really making it hard to show that. She has done everything right. She should be rewarded far greater than I can accomodate. He has chosen a path that I don't understand, I don't agree with, and it occupies so much of my time worrying about him. It's not fair to her.

Anyway, his birthday is in one more day. Last year, he was in Knoxville (at college) on his birthday and it was the very first birthday I had ever spent away from him. I called him multiple times. I cried (and cried and cried). But I was so proud because he was a student at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville!!!!! This year, he is living somewhere in Pickwick. I'm not exactly sure where. I've not been invited there and I honestly don't expect to be. This little boy who clung to his mother and for so many years was her very best friend has outgrown me and chosen to seemingly forget everything we ever had. I don't know him. He very rarely will even answer my phone calls. I don't know why he seemingly doesn't even love me anymore. What did I do wrong? Did I love him too much? Did I trust him too much? Did I assume he was as grown up as he appeared to me but really wasn't? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I do know he wants an entire Chicken and Rice casserole for his birthday. It's his favorite. That's all I know. I don't know when he wants it or if he's coming over or what... I hate it that he is going to have to learn about life the HARD way, but I think it's harder on ME than it is on him.

I LOVE MY SON! I just don't know who he is anymore.