Semper Paratus

Today and tomorrow are going to be two of the hardest days of my life. I helped Brian pack up to leave for Nashville this morning. He's shipping out to boot camp tomorrow. He has joined the United States Coast Guard and I am just about as proud of him as I can be, but IT IS KILLING ME!!!

I'm VERY proud of him, but no matter how old he is, he is always gonna be my baby boy. He was my first, real, true love. I only thought I knew what love was until I had him. I told him tonight when I left Nashville that I already missed him - and I do! I missed him when he went to college, but at least I talked to him every day and could go see him whenever I wanted to. I think THAT'S what's KILLING me. It's the fact that I know that I can't even talk to him when I miss him... I can't even hear his voice... I can't jump in the car to go take care of him if he gets sick... There have been very few days since he's been alive that I haven't talked to him... I will get through this. I will do it for him. He's making a sacrifice, so I will just suck it up!

I go through so many gamuts of emotions: pride, sorrow, depression, joy, relief, pain... Sometimes, I'm fine. Sometimes, I'm not. Tonight after I got home, I went into his room. He left a pair of shorts lying in his chair... His laptop is on his bed right where he left it... I just LOST it! I couldn't stop crying until I called him. But after tomorrow, I won't be able to do that. I want him to be successful. I want him to go above and beyond. I KNOW this is going to be HARD, but I know he will be a better man for it. I've got some really good friends - especially Lee Ann - who have gone through this and talking to them helps me deal with it. I call her and she cries with me. And trust me, if you haven't gone through it, you don't understand. I tried to be there for her when her son joined the Marines, but I HAD NO IDEA! She knows and she's been a lifeline for me.

God, please protect my baby boy. Make him strong and help him to become the man that I know he can be. I love that boy.

Semper Paratus - Always Ready

Emotional Times...

This is a very special time of year for me. My baby girl just turned 18 on April 15th and my wonderful husband and I will celebrate our 2nd Anniversary on the 20th. My heart is filled with all sorts of emotions.

I am thrilled that my daughter has grown into such a beautiful, wonderful, self-assured young woman, but I am sad that my baby is growing up and will soon fly away from the nest. It scares me to let her spread her wings because I don't want her to get hurt. I know she will stumble and fall and I know I have to let her because it is usually through our mistakes that we learn the most valuable lessons. That is unfortunate, but true.

According to her, I am her hero. I have been her protector, her champion, her drill sergeant, her task master, her cheerleader, her coach, her confidant, her safe place for 18 years. And have no doubt, I will always be available to play those roles when she allows it – and even sometimes when she doesn’t want me too. The hard part will be figuring out when I need to let her “do it myself, Mommy” or when to butt in even when she thinks she doesn’t need or want me to do so.

I’m sure it won’t be as difficult as I fear, because she is truly remarkable. In fact, SHE is MY hero.

I am also especially emotional because I have been married to the most wonderful man for almost two years now. He is the sweetest, kindest, most genuine man I have ever met. I am thankful every day that he is in my life. I wish circumstances weren’t the way they are so that we could go away – even if only for a long weekend. He can’t get off work at his new job and I am having one of my bigger episodes with my neck/spine/back. I’ve had to increase my pain pills, muscle relaxers and am once again on steroids. I’m trying to hold off on surgery until next year. Maybe then I can once again be “me” and I will be able to be to wife to him that he deserves – because he truly deserves the very best.

Why Isn't Family As Important To Us As It Used to Be?

I talked to one of my cousins on FaceBook today and it made me sad. You see, he and I used to be so very close. We are actually third cousins, but our extended family was so close that I never really thought about us only being "third cousins". He was an only child. I was an only child. We each had a first cousin (they were also only children) who was like a sister to us. It was 'Mitzi and Connie' and 'Tim and Lisa'. Yin and Yang. Frick and Frack. You just about didn't see one without the other.

Connie and I used to visit Tim and Lisa's grandmother's house a lot in the summers. Our grandmother and their grandmother were sisters and they were very close. My grandmother had a very hard life and her sisters and brothers were a huge support to her and her family - part of the reason we were all so close. Anyway, we used to spend so much time together and have so much fun. Now, I don't even know where Lisa lives. I know Tim is in Jackson (where I work), but I haven't seen him in years.

We come from a very big family. We used to get together almost every single year on July 4th in Shiloh and again at Christmas. Our Christmas dinners were HUGE!!! Everybody came. The kids... the kids' kids... Everybody. I knew all my relatives. Now, my kids barely know any of my family. That makes me so sad. These people that I was so close to and were such a big part of my life are total strangers to my children. How did this happen?!?!?

How did this happen? I'll tell you. When my grandmother's generation began to pass, the reunions became farther and farther apart and fewer and fewer came. The kids started growing up and scattering across the country. Everybody got so busy with their own lives. But the result is, we have lost our family. Our grandparents held our families together and we have failed to continue this and as a result, we have failed them.

You've got to wonder how this will affect my children's lives and future generations. How can you have family pride or pass down traditions if you don't even know where you came from.

I will say that since FaceBook and MySpace have wormed their way into my existence, I have made contact with so many family members and I "talk" to them now more and more. I feel closer to them. Some of them live in other states and I haven't seen them in years, but I know that they went to their daughter's soccer game last week or that their daughter made a CD of her own original songs or they are babysitting another’s child… Even though I’m not where they are, I feel connected to them because of these little, often mundane, sentences shared on a website. Granted, it’s not a family reunion, but it makes me feel closer to them than I did a year ago.

I miss my family. I miss the closeness of family. Maybe because I am an only child I feel this more strongly than some, but I miss my big, close, loving family.

Why?

Why am I so unhappy? And why do I feel like I have to hide the fact that I am so unhappy? I feel like everyone wants/needs/expects so much of me and I am just failing so badly. Don't get me wrong. This is not a statement made in self pity. It is a very real statement. I USED TO BE SUPER GIRL! That was what one of the doctors at work used to call me - Super Girl! Why? Because I could do ANYTHING! I wasn't afraid of ANYTHING! I faced every challenge HEAD ON!

Super Girl met her kryptonite... It came from a really big wave at Kitty Hawk Beach in North Carolina... It’s called herniated discs… Spinal cord/vertebrae injuries will make you or break you... I am broken... ={

I don't feel like I am being a good wife. I don't feel like I am doing everything I need to be doing in order to be a good mother. I am reminded (it seems like on a daily basis) that I need to do something or that I haven't done something or asked when I am going to do something or reminded that I used to be a certain way or that I used to do something a certain way. I just absolutely can't figure out how to keep up. MY BODY HURTS!!!!! I mean it REALLY, REALLY hurts and I think that because I hurt so much so often that everyone gets sick of it (as do I) and just thinks it's something that I could really control IF I WANTED TO. How do you deal with nerve damage/pain? How do you mentally cope when the very first thought you have when you wake up in the morning is, “Oh God, that hurts.”

Am I the person that I used to be a few years ago? Heck no! Do you think that I don’t miss that person? DON’T YOU THINK I MISS HER? Does anyone really believe that I want to be the way that I am? Do you really think that I use pain as an excuse not to do something or to enjoy life? DO YOU KNOW ME?!?!? When have I ever not been happy-go-lucky and the first one to say, “Yeah! Let’s go!” My daddy used to say that my middle name was “GO”. "Mitzi Go" is what he always called me!

Why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel like I have to justify and explain? Why do I feel like I can’t please ANYBODY? Why do I freaking care?!?!?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh! I hate being so negative. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!

I have a really nice boat that used to be on the river almost every weekend... It hasn't left the shop in almost two years...

WHAT has happened to me?!?!? Has the pain completely redefined me?

WHO am I? Can I ever be the old "me" again?

30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30

For my daughter who is a Senior in High School and has been accepted to the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga (among others) where she plans to study pre-med. I love you, Kristen!


By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.


2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.


3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.


4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.


5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.


6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.


7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.


8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.


9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.


10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.


11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.


12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.


13. The belief that you deserve it.


14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.


15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.


2. How you feel about having kids.


3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.


4. When to try harder and when to walk away.


5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.


6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.


7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.


8. How to take control of your own birthday.


9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.


10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.


11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.


12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.


13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.


14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.


15. Why they say life begins at 30.

I miss my baby sister...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss my baby sister...

Reposted from my MySpace blog...

I REALLY, REALLY miss my "baby sister" so much. True enough she's not my blood sister, but there is no other person in the world that has shared more love, laughter, hurt, wonder, pain, joy, loss, hope, determination, or trust than I have with her. Other than my husband, Jeff, my children and my parents (and Mellissa - with 2 "L's" is coming close), I have the deepest, strongest emotional attachment to her than any other person. I love her with all my heart and soul and she just brings pure joy (and pride) to my heart.

She lives so far away and I sure don't get to see her as much as I would love to, but time or distance or circumstance has never been able to change the way I feel about her. I just love, love, love her and I miss her sooooooooooo much. Sometimes, it's just worse than others.

Tonight, for some reason, I sit here with tears just rolling down my face because I miss her and want to see her so badly. I want to hug her so tight!

Life is short and relationships that last are few and far between. Our relationship does nothing but get stronger as time goes on.

♥♥Cheri Katherine Azevedo Lott, I respect you... I admire you... I am constantly amazed by you... I miss you... I love you...♥♥

Rose

I have a wonderful husband.

This is a tribute he made for his mother while we wait on the permanent headstone.

Rose Ganus, you raised a wonderful son and I'm very thankful for him.

We love you, Rose.